Americans

DEFINITION: The Americans are a species of Homo sapiens that inhabit North America, South America, and a bunch of other places because let’s face it, they’re everywhere.

ORIGIN: The Americans are believed to have evolved from a group of monkeys who managed to escape from a zoo and figured out how to put on pants. However, this theory is widely disputed by scientists who argue that it’s more likely they descended from aliens who crash-landed on Earth and decided to stick around.

CHARACTERISTICS: Americans are known for their unique dialect, which involves pronouncing “water” as “wooder,” “coffee” as “cawfee,” and “place” as “plahce.” They also have a deep love for anything deep-fried, covered in cheese, or served in a bucket.

Americans are also notorious for their love of guns, and the fact that they will fight tooth and nail to defend their right to own 100 of them if they want to. They also have a bizarre fascination with dressing up in camouflage and hunting innocent animals for sport, but let’s not dwell on that.

Another distinct characteristic of Americans is their tendency to root for the underdog, as long as the underdog is from America. This is especially true when it comes to sports, where Americans will become completely irrational and scream things like “U-S-A! U-S-A!” at the top of their lungs, even if the sport in question isn’t an Olympic event.

HABITAT: Americans can be found all over the world, but they prefer to cluster together in places like fast food restaurants, Walmarts, and sports bars. They also tend to travel in packs, often wearing matching T-shirts with slogans like “I’m with stupid” or “If I die, tell my wife I said hello.”

THREATS: The biggest threat to Americans is themselves, as they have a tendency to get into ridiculous arguments over things like the proper way to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza. They also have a tendency to elect leaders who are more interested in tweeting insults than actually governing.

CONSERVATION STATUS: The conservation status of Americans is currently listed as “endangered,” due to the fact that they seem to be losing their ability to tell fact from fiction and are becoming increasingly divided on issues that should be pretty straightforward, like whether or not it’s a good idea to wear masks during a pandemic. However, there is hope that they will eventually come to their senses and unite under the banner of common sense.

In conclusion, Americans are a fascinating and often perplexing species that are well worth studying, as long as you don’t get too close to their fast food or their firearms.