Paean (god)

Paean is a lesser-known god of the Greek pantheon, responsible for a very specific aspect of human life: healing.

Legend has it that Paean was the son of Apollo, the god of music, poetry, and archery. However, unlike his father, Paean had no musical talents to speak of. Instead, he dedicated his life to studying the medicinal properties of various herbs and plants, jotting down complex formulas and brewing all sorts of remedies in his laboratory.

Now, you might think that being the god of healing would be a pretty admirable gig. Sure, it’s not as glamorous as controlling the skies or hurling lightning bolts, but at least you’re doing something that truly helps people, right? Well, not for Paean.

Paean had two unfortunate personality traits that tended to undermine his efforts as a healer. First of all, he had a monstrous ego. He loved to lecture people about the miraculous properties of his potions and ointments, even when they weren’t interested. He’d force his remedies on people who didn’t want them, or make them pay exorbitant fees for the privilege of receiving his “blessed” treatments.

Secondly, Paean had a terrible sense of humor. He loved to play pranks on the people he was supposed to be healing, which always ended up making their illnesses worse. For example, he once tricked a man suffering from a fever into eating a whole bushel of hot peppers, claiming that they were a “miracle cure.” Needless to say, the man’s condition only got worse.

Despite his many flaws, Paean did have a few shining moments. He was known to have cured a few notable figures in Greek mythology, such as Hercules and Asclepius (who was also a god of healing, but didn’t seem to mind sharing the limelight). However, most of the time, Paean was too busy spouting off about how great he was, or inventing new and creative ways to torture his patients.

In the end, Paean’s legacy is a mixed bag. He may have been a god of healing, but he was also a god of irritation and ineptitude. Even his father Apollo couldn’t stand to be around him for too long. So the next time you find yourself in need of some medical attention, just be glad that Paean isn’t the one administering your treatment.