United States History: A Glorious Collection of Epic Fails

The history of the United States can be summarized as a string of hilarious and embarrassing moments punctuated by occasional wins. Despite the best efforts of some of our most renowned leaders, this country has repeatedly proven that when it comes to floundering, it can give any other nation a run for its money.

The Early Days

When Columbus “discovered” America, he had no idea what he was getting himself into. Not only was he lost and thought he landed in Asia, but his treatment of the native population and his blatant disregard for the fact that the land was already inhabited, should make us all question the sanity of our forefathers.

The American Revolution

If the United States were a 13 year old boy, the American Revolution would be its acne-riddled adolescent phase. It was a time when our nation, feeling the call for independence, threw a massive hissy-fit and decided, against all odds, to take on Britain – the world superpower at the time. But, to make things even more humiliating, the United States had to enlist the help of France, it’s adult counterpart, in order to finally defeat Britain.

The Civil War

The Civil War was essentially a classic sibling rivalry on steroids. It pitted family against family and state against state, all over the issue of slavery. It took over 600,000 American lives for this conflict to finally end, and even then, it was only because the North had bigger guns and more soldiers.

World War I and II

During World War I, the US spent most of its time trying to sell supplies to both sides in the war, all while insisting on neutrality. In World War II, we were the last to join the party, waltzing in when the other countries had already done the heavy lifting.

The Cold War

The Cold War should have been called the “Diplomatic Ice Bucket Challenge,” as both the US and the USSR spent years taunting each other and making menial threats. This was, of course, until Ronald Reagan showed up and “fixed” everything by telling Gorbachev to “tear down that wall.”

The Present

And now we come to the present – a time when the US is still trying to figure out what it wants to be when it grows up. We’ve gone from a country of “Make Love Not War” to a country of “Make America Great Again,” with Trump at the helm. But who knows, maybe we’ll stumble upon the winning formula one day, and look back on our history with pride instead of chuckles.

In conclusion, United States history is a hilarious collection of epic fails, punctuated by moments of unexpected success. But we wouldn’t have it any other way, would we?