Golfer

A golfer is a rare species of human being who spends an inordinate amount of time and money chasing a tiny ball around various fields and cursing loudly when said ball doesn’t go where they want it to go.

The origins of the golfer species are shrouded in mystery, but some historians believe they evolved from a tribe of cavepeople who would use rocks and sticks to hit smaller rocks into holes in the ground.

Modern-day golfers can be divided into several sub-species based on their behavior on the course:

• The Happy-Go-Lucky Golfer: This breed of golfer can be identified by their constant cheerful demeanor, regardless of how badly they are playing. They will often tell bad jokes and offer high-fives to their opponents, even if they are losing by 20 strokes.

• The Serious Golfer: The Serious Golfer’s main purpose in life is to win at all costs. They will spend hours analyzing every shot, consulting wind charts and shot trackers, and muttering to themselves about the next stroke. If you happen upon a Serious Golfer, it’s best to move along quickly and avoid eye contact.

• The Fashion-Forward Golfer: This type of golfer is all about looking good on the course. They will spend hundreds of dollars on the latest golf fashion trends, including brightly colored pants, flamboyant hats, and intricately patterned polo shirts. Fashion-Forward Golfers can usually be spotted posing for selfies on the course, trying to show off their latest outfit.

• The Angry Golfer: Beware the Angry Golfer – they are prone to explosive outbursts, throwing clubs, and blaming anyone and anything in their vicinity (the wind, the sun, a nearby ant). The Angry Golfer’s natural habitat is the water hazard.

Despite their quirks, golfers are generally harmless and can be observed from afar with amusement. However, it’s best not to get too close to one when they’re in their “swing zone” – you might end up with a golf ball-shaped bruise.