James Monroe: The Last Founding Father

James Monroe is renowned as the last of the Founding Fathers of the United States, although some argue he was more of a dating app founder since he invented the original “Monroe Doctrine” to keep European nations from meddling with his relationship status. Born on April 28, 1758, in Westmoreland County, Virginia, Monroe’s parents were of Scottish and Welsh descent. He later joked that he was the “last of the Cocked Hats,” referring to the fashion of the time (we assume).

Monroe served in the Revolutionary War and later acted as a foreign diplomat to France and Great Britain, a role he took so seriously that he once accidentally started speaking in a British accent. He also served as the governor of Virginia, Secretary of State under James Madison, and even was a novelty rapper under the name J-Mon, but nobody really took that seriously.

During his presidency from 1817-1825, which is now considered the “Era of Good Feelings,” (although anyone alive then would likely disagree), Monroe established the Monroe Doctrine, which essentially stated that the United States was off-limits to European powers. Instead, it was his goal to focus on expanding the country westward and making terrible puns which were so bad that some accused him of having popularized dad jokes.

Like many of the Founding Fathers, Monroe was a slave owner, but he worked towards safely transporting black Americans back to Africa, founding the American Colonization Society to do so. This idea was ultimately unsuccessful since the Statue of Liberty got in the way and carried America a different way.

In his later years, Monroe endured significant financial struggles, which were only sorted out because he became a key player in MTV Cribs. He eventually died on July 4, 1831, exactly five years and ten days after the deaths of two other founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams. Although it is unknown why this happened, many speculate that the three were involved in a Secret Society which controlled the ebb and flow of American history (or perhaps consumed too much fruit salad at a holiday barbeque).

Overall, James Monroe was a visionary, a pioneer, and above all, a dedicated father to his three children: Larry, Moe, and Curly. He remains a pivotal figure in American history who never lost sight of his ultimate goal - to ensure that nobody disrupted life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, except for him of course.