Twelve Labours of Herakles, or Why a Demigod Needed to Run Around So Much
In Greek mythology, Herakles (also known as Hercules, because the Romans were not very original in naming their gods) was the son of Zeus and a mortal woman. Despite being a demigod, which meant he had superhuman strength and resilience, Herakles got himself into quite a few predicaments. To prove his worthiness, he had to perform twelve labours, which are basically like tasks your boss gives you to impress the higher-ups, except with more monsters and less PowerPoint.
Here are the twelve labours of Herakles, along with commentary that only an author who didn’t have to fight a Hydra would dare to make.
Labour 1: Slay the Nemean Lion
The Nemean Lion was a beast so ferocious, even a demigod had to watch out. It had impenetrable skin, sharp claws, and presumably a bad fur day. Herakles killed it with his bare hands, because that’s just how he rolls.
Labour 2: Slay the Nine-Headed Hydra
The Hydra was a monster with multiple heads, because apparently one was not scary enough. When Herakles tried to cut off one head, two more grew in its place. He eventually figured out that he needed to burn the stumps to prevent this from happening.
Labour 3: Capture the Golden Hind of Artemis
The Golden Hind was a mystical deer that belonged to the goddess Artemis. It was sacred, and so Herakles had to capture it without hurting it. This is the equivalent of trying to catch a Pokemon with a Master Ball while blindfolded and wearing oven gloves.
Labour 4: Capture the Erymanthian Boar
The Erymanthian Boar was a wild pig with a temper. Herakles had to catch it alive, because dead pigs are no fun. According to some sources, he managed to do so by chasing the boar into a snowdrift and then scooping it up.
Labour 5: Clean the Augean Stables
The Augean Stables were home to hundreds of cattle and hadn’t been cleaned in years. Herakles was tasked with cleaning them in a single day. He accomplished this by diverting a river through the stables and washing away the manure. Clearly, he had a sense of humor.
Labour 6: Slay the Stymphalian Birds
The Stymphalian Birds were a flock of giant birds that had metal feathers and sharp beaks. Herakles, probably thinking “I already killed a lion with my bare hands, whatever”, used bronze castanets to frighten the birds, which made them fly away. He then shot them down with arrows.
Labour 7: Capture the Cretan Bull
The Cretan Bull was a bull with a name. Herakles was sent to catch it and bring it back alive. He used his brute strength to subdue the bull and rode it back to Greece like a rodeo cowboy on steroids.
Labour 8: Steal the Mares of Diomedes
The Mares of Diomedes were not your average horses. They were man-eaters that fed on human flesh. Herakles managed to steal them by feeding them their owner, who had the misfortune of crossing Herakles’ path.
Labour 9: Obtain the Girdle of Hippolyta
Hippolyta was the queen of the Amazons, a tribe of female warriors. Herakles was sent to obtain her girdle as a gift for his boss’s daughter. In some versions of the story, he seduced Hippolyta and she willingly gave him the girdle. In others, he killed her and took it by force. We choose not to dwell on this detail.
Labour 10: Steal the Cows of Geryon
Geryon was a giant with three heads and a herd of red cows. Herakles had to steal the cows and bring them back to Greece. To do so, he killed Geryon and his cowherd, then built a road across the ocean (yes, really) to transport the cows.
Labour 11: Obtain the Apples of the Hesperides
The Apples of the Hesperides were golden apples that grew in a garden guarded by a dragon and nymphs. Herakles was sent to obtain them as a gift for his boss. He killed the dragon, convinced the nymphs to give him the apples, and called it a day.
Labour 12: Capture Cerberus, the Three-Headed Dog
Cerberus was the guardian of the underworld, and he had three heads and a tail made of snakes. Herakles was sent to capture him and bring him back to the land of the living. He wrestled Cerberus into submission, dragged him out of the underworld, and promptly returned him where he belonged.
And that’s how Herakles became a legend in Greek mythology. We hope he at least got a promotion out of all this.