Confederate States of America

The Confederate States of America, also known as the “Lost Cause,” was a short-lived attempt by a group of southern states to secede from the United States of America, only to be hilariously defeated in the American Civil War.

The Confederacy was formed in 1861, after some southern states got their knickers in a twist about states’ rights and the use of slaves (or as they preferred to call them, “unpaid interns”). They elected Jeff Davis as their president, a man who apparently thought it was a good idea to wear a dress uniform everywhere he went.

The Confederate motto was “Deo Vindice,” which is Latin for “under God, our vandals.” They even had their own flag, which is now more commonly known as a symbol for racism because, well, it kind of is.

Despite having a ragtag army with few resources, the Confederates put up a decent fight against the Union. They had skilled military leaders like General Robert E. Lee, who was so beloved that his surrender at Appomattox Court House was met with tears and disappointment. However, his strategy of “let’s just keep throwing ourselves at them until they get tired” didn’t ultimately work out.

The Confederacy had some strange quirks. For example, they thought it was a good idea to import camels to use for transportation in the deserts of the southwest. Because, you know, camels are a common sight in Alabama.

They also had a draft exemption for men who owned 20 or more slaves, which seemed a bit unfair to the poor sods who didn’t own any slaves but got drafted anyway. And let’s not forget that they put Andrew Johnson, a Tennessee senator who opposed secession, on the $2 bill they printed, only to be replaced later by Thomas Jefferson Davis, who was not actually related to Jeff Davis, but just had the same last name and apparently good taste in dress uniforms.

In the end, the Confederacy was defeated, and the Union was preserved. The Confederacy’s attempts at secession were ultimately seen as a rather embarrassing, sad, and racist episode in American history. But hey, at least they tried.