Union of Soviet Socialist Republics: The Revolution that Wasn’t
Congratulations, dear reader, on stumbling upon one of the most infamous creations of human history: the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (USSR). Once upon a time, it was a glittering beacon of hope for the Marxist dream of true socialist revolution. But as they say, the road to socialism is paved with broken tractors and industrial-sized quantities of vodka.
It all started in 1917 when the Bolsheviks, led by Vladimir Lenin, managed to overthrow the Russian monarchy and establish the world’s first communist state. The Bolsheviks were an elite group of trained revolutionaries, much like the Spice Girls, but with less catchy songs and more Marxist ideals.
The early days of the USSR were a heady mix of constant political infighting between the Bolsheviks and various other socialist factions. They engaged in heated debates on important issues like the correct size of Lenin’s mustache, whether or not vodka should be added to breakfast cereal or if the Soviet Union should bother growing a decent quantity of potatoes.
Once the power struggle finally settled down, Joseph Stalin - a gruff Georgian with a mustache that would put a walrus to shame - emerged as the leader of the Soviet Union. Stalin’s greatest achievements include massive industrialization, purging those he deemed traitorous, and the ability to make anyone who saw him in person nervous.
The USSR became notorious for its propaganda and censorship, which made North Korea seem like a world-renowned democracy. Stalin had a list of dissidents, dubbed “the enemies of the people,” whom he was happy to exile or execute. And if you think that’s harsh, you should have seen what happened if you forgot to say “comrade” to your neighbor.
The Soviet Union’s economic system was based on the principle of central planning. This meant the government decided what goods were produced, how much they cost, and how they were distributed among the people. Unfortunately, this system contributed to the USSR’s infamous food shortages, leading to the ubiquitous joining of breadlines.
Despite its myriad problems, the USSR had one genuinely inspiring achievement: its space program. The Soviet Union launched the first satellite, Sputnik, which made the United States promptly decide it was time to beat the USSR to the moon. The USSR also proved capable of launching living creatures into space, including Laika, the dog who went down in history becoming the first space martyr.
The USSR officially dissolved in 1991, and capitalism ran rampant through the land. Nowadays, Russia is seen smoking outside of gas stations, drinking too much vodka, and trying to convince everyone it still knows how to hack into the internet. But, as anyone who had to wait in line for hours for a piece of black bread knows, life in the USSR is a part of history we can never forget.